Shit My D&D Group Says, Take 5

9 Sep

Since 2010, We Only Accept Payment In Young Boys

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“Animals just sit really well on her head.” -K

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“Those are Quantum Stairs. It is 10 o’clock. Those are Quantum Stairs.” -T

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“I’m better than a mage, I’m a mathemagician!” -L

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“We don’t need base 10 counting when we’ve got a perfectly good abacus!” -E

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“It was good. I was crazy cop, good cop, and sensible cop.” -C

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“I think we should stop trying to sell evil artifact.” -C, on making money

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“Shit! I’m gonna need a different color for scrotum!”

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“Am I allowed to think again?” – l

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“Oral sex is a currency that I don’t think you need to use yet.” -GM

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“Is she going to take us to her bone zone?” – L

“It’s not the bone zone, it’s her stabbin’ cabin!” -J

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“Wilhem can be the star forward; that’s a position, right? What’s the position that stands behind the goal?” -J

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“I wonder if I can pray to Sarenrae to have a chat with Desna about this.” – T, on choosing oracles

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“Bloodpig is just a metaphor for, like, society and shit.” -L

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“I’ll punch his ass in the face!!” -J

“…” -Everyone

“Because he’s an assface.” -J

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“Know what a wolverine in a pit is called in Shoanti? DAYCARE!” – Dag the Barbarian

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“How hard is it going to be to get my hand and arm up the wolverine’s butt?” -L

“…”-GM

“How much lube do you have?” -J

“Does blood count?”

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“That’s probably why he’s so slippery. The combination of urine and dirt is a natural lubricant.” L, mocking our inability to catch a pig

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“The pig is free-ballin’.” -W

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“I have child-proofed my bar.” -L

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“It’s not about Justice, it’s about Punishment” -GM

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“You find a set of fine silverware on the-” -GM

“BOOM! It’s in my pants!” -Dag

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“Where does this circus go next?” -T

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“No fires in occupied buildings, especially ones containing Ilsa.”

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“Plan drunk, prank sober.” -C

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“Can you give me a percentage from zero to lesbian?” -GM

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“We wouldn’t want to be putting the cart before the whores!” -C

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“…As I guide him to battle with my pelvis.” -C

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I didn’t think I was going to get to this part of the chart.” -things you don’t want to hear you GM say

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“He has a song too! (insert fan girl squealing) I’m gonna save it until I use him!” -L

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“I don’t have Knowledge Religion. I studied pole-dancing.” -E

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“Does a 19 Knowledge Religion roll allow me to recognize the wail?”

“Is it a sperm whale?”

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“So who’s the Daphne and who’s the Velma?”

“Velma has Knowledges; Daphne’s just slutty.”

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“Balrogs!”

“YOU SHALL NOT NAP!”

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“Sweet Lord in Heaven, I am fighting with the suckiest Planeteer.” -L

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“Look at me as I come at you with my flacid staff!” – bad guy NPC as narrated by party

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“Magical Murder Baby Giveth, Magical Murder Baby Taketh Away.” – Old Shoanti proverb

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